| Thanksgiving. |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|10:30 am] |
| [ | personality; |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
Ryan's birthday thing was on Friday. He was definitly surprised as fuck. Saturday started off okay, by 6:00 pm though, WW3 was about to erupt. Everything's better now. I'm having a hard time going to work. I've never been one to give up, but lately I feel like I'm ready to. I feel like I can't control it. I'm scared I'll give up on him. Like the feeling of regurgitating as it slowly creeps it's way up your esophagus and into the back of your throat. You can't stop it til it's already there. And by that time, you're already in bad shape. There are so many times I'll be in a crowded room with people that I generally consider my friends, and I'll feel like every single last one of them wants me to leave. I feel like the people that say they really care about me, only think of me when I'm actually sitting there staring them in the face. It's a sad but prevalent truth. Watching those comedic romance movies with the sappy endings always leave me wishing for someone like the boy in the movie. I'm always wishing for a girl that I can trust day in / day out to be there for me. To laugh with me. To get ready with me. I need to learn to be thankful for what I have. He may not look like Ryan Reynolds or Ashton Kutcher, but he's so damn sexy and he has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen on a boy. Ryan is better then the boys in the movies, because he's real. He isn't acting. No matter what happens, he supports me. He takes care of me. HE COOKS AND CLEANS FOR CHRIST SAKE. When my Mom first found out we were getting married, there were so many things she told me that I just shrugged off my shoulders. But now, I know why she said them. I swear, I have the most amazing Mom in the world. She knows everything and she knows when to say it. She tries not to lecture. She can be a bitch, but if she wasn't, where would I get it from? I have Avery too. She's such a good friend and I have so much fun with her. We just smoke and smoke and smoke and do the same thing everytime we hang out. But I know I can trust her and I can rely on her. I know she won't stab me in the back. I know she won't try to fuck my boyfriend if they hang out here alone all day or even all night. She's one of the best friends anyone could ask for. I think I need to stop worrying so much about making others happy, going out of my way to comfort those who wouldn't do the same for me. I need to start concentrating on the important things. I need to start going to work everyday like I'm supposed to. I've called in three times in the past two weeks.
This thanksgiving I'm going to be thankful that I am who I am. That I'm funny, smart, attractive and outgoing. I'm going to be thankful that I have pretty eyes and that my boyfriend falls in love with me all over again every day. I'm going to be thankful for Avery, and how she turns black when she smokes. I'm going to be thankful that my boyfriend is good in bed. I'm going to be thankful for blue and baby. I'm going to be thankful that Ryan although sometimes weak, he has a heart of gold and that although sometimes covered in steal, I have the heart of a lion. I'm going to be thankful for all the boys that have came and gone that paved the way. I'm going to be thankful for Carly and Lorel and be thankful it's been so easy becoming such good friends with them. They are both two of the most beautiful girls on the inside and out. I'm going to be thankful for my parents and all the help they've given me. I'm going to be thankful that I have made it this far. I'm going to be thankful that I have a good paying job. I'm going to be thankful for Jack and all the happiness he brings me and Ryan. I'm going to be thankful for life. For the beauty of it simplicities and the lessons of it's hardships. And I'm going to make a point to be thankful for at least one thing everyday from that day forward.
Life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|10:18 pm] |
Its so simple and complicated the way you can crush me
No matter how much this hurts
This is through
I get as far as your door before I get caught
I make up excuses just to touch you
&I can't stop, I can't stop
So are we playing for keeps
These days begin and they don't end for weeks
Leave me left out of anything to do with you
Excuse me while I fall apart
Don't flatter yourself sweetheart
Let me take the wheel and I'll crash this car
Do you have to make this so hard
Your so good at pretending everything is alright
Your as welcome as cancer but my door is always unlocked
please. &thank you..
have a nice fucking day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|01:14 pm] |
| [ | personality; |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | location; |
| | Broken Social Scene - Love and Mathematics | ] |
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded in on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?
Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?
If anyone knows what song that is, it might help explain better the events of yesterday. It's not that Nolan was my best friend, he wasn't. I will miss Nolan, and I did care about him. I just can't believe it's real. I'm not saying anything more about it except that all my heart goes out to Mr. Toler, Danielle, and my countless number of friends whose hearts are shattered from this. Nolan, you had to much ahead of you to not just put the bullshit behind you. We'll all miss you.
It still hasn't fully hit me yet. I couldn't believe it when I heard it. I had just talked to him the night before. He was just over here. Ryan and me just laid around last night and appreciated each other. It's the only thing I could think of to do. After I saw Danielle, I didn't realize how much that must hurt. If Ryan was gone..... wow.
On to something a little more cheerful. I might go back to school. Basically I need to decide in the next like 2 hours. So any feedback between now and then would be nice. I'd be working from 8-4:30 then I would have class from 6-11. So yeah. I don't know. I work in Auburn Hills and I'd have class in Southfield. Hmmmmmm. Yeah? No? Maybe?
We might be having a Halloween party here Saturday. Need to pay rent and shit first. But yeah. I'll be at Katelyn's on Friday. Anyone else goinnngggg? <3
Peace up. A-town down.
♥ |
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| New Pics. New Apartment. |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|03:07 pm] |
Ryan and I live in Pontiac now in a sweet ass 2 bd. apartment. It's pretty fucking dope. I'm finding out who my true friends are. Losing friends has never felt so good.
![]()
NFG/Cartel/Limbeck/Early November on Friday was fucking amazing. Patio Furniture and I screamed our head off. I think we pissed the bitches behind us off because they couldn't see. Whoops!
My hair is getting long, it's kinda redick.
I'm getting better everyday. I don't care what you think about my habits, or the people in my life. I'm becoming a more peaceful person every day that goes by. I've let go of my grudges. I've let go of the blackness in my heart. I smile on a daily basis and I never forget to breathe. All of this; because of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|02:09 am] |
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The one thing that will never change is the one thing I knew never would. Maybe one day we can fix the bullshit and we can be what we were meant to be. You still mean a lot to me, though my pride will never let me utter your name. Until then.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|03:59 pm] |
UHM WHOSE ENGAGED?
 & 
Yeah it's pretty fucking sweet. And basically any shit talking any of you might have to say to me or behind my back. PLEASE AND THANK YOU. Keep talking shit because your jealous my boyfriend actually gives a fuck about me and loves me with all his heart. Have fun keeping it high school dating a bunch of senseless pricks who would fuck anything with two legs. I have what you want, and that's a beautiful boy who loves me and is ready to take care of me for the rest of my life. Ryan Michael Fudoli is amazing. We have had our problems but every couple does and that is none of your business.
"Well I was there and you guys were fighting and you guys are never happy together or laugh."
HORSE SHIT. SUCK MY TIT MOTHER FUCKER.
So to all my GOOD friends, expect an invitation in the mail. It's going to be next year either July 7th or August 11th. Thanks for reading and let the gossip being. <3!
xoxo.
Oh yeah and how could I forget.
Dear In Pursuit,
I'd appreciate it if you gave me back Samantha Bussel. She's about 5'6, really pretty, personality cute as a button. Thanks!
Love,
Me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|08:13 pm] |
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I'm glad that you keep the game going. Keep the ball rolling mother fucker, cause I sure as hell am not. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|01:15 pm] |
I'm pretty sure the worst thing in the entire world is fear of rejection. And right next to it, mind games. I want to come clean and just let it out, but I can't. Because we're stuck in this stupid rut that we built for ourselves. They're all absolutely right, there's no winning in this situation. Whatever. Other than that my life is fantastic. Couldn't be fucking better. Keggar last night was a well needed time with some well needed people. I needed a temporary new scene. Or maybe permanent.
I'm pretty content sitting here with listening to my "boyfriend" play drums. Hahaha. Oh the horror if me and Mikey ever really dated. So time for me to play girlfriend to the family and harass Inferno some more. The two things I'm way to good at. [That's morally wrong in so many ways....] |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2006|01:45 am] |
| [ | personality; |
| | nostalgic | ] |
Why can't life just be somewhat simple? I'm not saying, hand me everything on a platter. But why must human nature be so complicated? Why must we be blessed with these amazing moments, then have them taken away so abruptly? And by the time it's over, we realize we didn't enjoy it, or take it in as much as we should have. Erica was right, you should never go back to an old relationship. You left it for a reason. And once you go back, there's no initial excitement there. So why can't I let go of this? I mean, I've let him go. I am perfectly content in this cat and mouse chase I've put myself into. [Well perfectly content is a stretch.] But I am enjoying the butterflies. I am enjoying learning every crevice and detail of his face. I'm enjoying the feeling of getting used to someones touch. I'm enjoying the anticipation for when I get to see him again. When I get to lay in bed and giggle at silly things. But I am disappointed in myself for hurting Ryan so badly. I'm disappointed in myself for letting him down so badly. But I guess I'll continue to be narcissistic. I'll admit it, I am. But at the same time, I have this huge sense of nostalgia clinging to my heart. It's been there since 2002, and chances are it has no intentions of relocating.
I will get what I want. Beer. I will be heard. Pot. I will surrender one day. Xanax. I will never let anyone get the best of me. Cocaine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|12:02 am] |
Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post a line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: No cheating.
1.I still have the tickets from the shows we went to, and a million other memories of you. Will you be my best friend, if I offer you my heart?
2.Please don't go. Cause you showed up with your hair down I might not sleep tonight.
3.There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor. Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry.
4.Forget what them boys talking about, I'm true.
5.Doin a hundred while I puff on the blunt &roll another one up. We living like we ain't givin a fuck.
6.How should I feel if you miss the old days? The look on your face said everything's changing so fast.
7.Fornified pleasure girl, lickin' every measure girl tryin' to find a treasure girl nigga it's whatever girl.
8.Then maybe I'll be able to give her dick all the time, and get her high.
9.So you said your lonely, well my friend i'm lonely too. I want to get back, to my city by the rain.
10.The coldest part is the heart that we share. It's breaking apart and you’re not even here to say things will get better.
11.I've fallen in love for the first time &this time I know it's for real.
12.Get ya lighters, roll dat sticky, lets get high. Let's get higher.
13.All this time looking for love and you want to find peace, &you find me.
14.I keep my chick on smash like a motherfucker. Thick lips, hips, tits, ass like a motherfucker.
15.I swear to God every minute's starting to feel like a second. I seen Hell staring down the barrel of a Smith & Wesson.
16.I miss the chairs at the coffee shop doing nothing for five minutes and talking for hours.
17.Im for real this girl here's legit, I aint got alot of dollars but she loves the dick.
18.Drink down your Gin and Kerosene &come spit off bridges with me.
19. Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make: It seems the artists these days are not who you think so we'll pick back up on that on another page.
20. Now is the time for me to rise to my feet. Wipe your spit from my face.
Wipe these tears from my eyes. |
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| I GOT LURKED. |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|07:23 am] |
OFFICAL COLLEGE STUDENT AND FULL-TIME EMPLOYEE.
Woot <3
Everything in my life is wonderful. Except one minor detail....
Ugh. |
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| Sleeping is a past time because it is something of my past. |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|09:06 am] |
I have some great memories from the past year and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't give up the past 3 years of non-stop partying I've done. But it had to end sometime. My kidney failed and when I laid there after the doctor told me my lungs were starting to fill with water, I thought about how I had spent the last few years of my life. Being wasted or high, bitter, cynical, horribly bitchy to everyone including my friends. I spent every weekend in a fight or starting shit with someone. I pushed away my friends and my family. I threw away friends for drugs and booze. I'm not sorry I did any of it. A majority of them were terrible people anyways and I did way too much for them. Because, even though I was cynical and bitter, I did anything for those friends I really cared about. I always made sure they had whatever they wanted and I tried to return favors as much as I could. I fought for my friends and I always tried to make sure they well off. Most of the people I'm talking about are people from Taylor. They brought out the worst in me. I miss when "Team Young" was cool and everyone was actually a true friend. I miss TRYING to ride BMX with the guys. I miss Rusty Keys and Josh Steir. I wish I had listened to them when they told me downriver was bringing out the worst in me. They were true friends. I miss driving around and going to 24 hour diners with Sayum. I miss when the scene wasn't so completely fucked up. Back when I was in high school and I booked shows, before people were backstabbers. When everyone was a "scene kid" and no one gave a shit. I miss Brad Atkins and Craig Owens. I miss Jimmy Glaros and Mitch. I miss Nick Zeb. I'm so glad I've spent the last month by myself or at Christines. I'm glad I've repaired my friendship with Joe. And I'm so excited that me and Rusty are friends again. It feels like a new beginning and a second chance. I'm going back to high school and I'm going to graduate this time. When I can drink again, I'll get drunk and have fun. But not on a daily, if even a weekly basis. I'm gonna get new friends and my first requirement will be that they like going bowling and going out to dinner, not just getting trashed at some party.
There are parts of me I can't change. Like my horrible attitude towards females or my sometimes cruel and disgusting sense of humor. But love me or leave me. Either way, my life goes on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|12:53 am] |
This will be a lot harder then I thought. My organs SCREAMING for some sort of regression. All the while you still whisper.
"I don't care enough about myself to give my heart to anyone. But you
caught my eye, I care about you. I want to keep it like this. Here, use
my lighter."
INHALE.
Subsequent developments might give us the power to
overcome what we never thought existed, but I just don't care to find
out. I'd rather suffocate in this pillow then tell you your breath
smells of sour love. Little needles prick at my legs telling me it's
time to move on, but I stay stationary to hear the solemn promises you
spoon feed me. My body is tearing itself in half. I'll let you wrap
your arms around my seams.
"You could have it all."
For such a wonderful offer, I'm inclined to decline. I
do a better job of tearing things apart then allowing them to be kept
together. There's nothing more beautiful then limps and emotions thrown
together as a pile of shards.
Myself : Elmer's Glue : Temporary; Always In Your Head; Easier To Use
Her : Welding : Permanent; Always In Your Heart; Harder To Replace
Accept this as my way of saying I hate you.
For almost killing me, I'll never forget you.
For killing him, I'll never forgive you.
Enjoy the taste as the snow drips down the back of your throat. Your
eyes light up with joy; tonight will never end. Let the herbs swirl in
and out of every vein; your gates to the world are half closed and
stained blood red. Sad truth; you can't believe without a lie.
You are my lie.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|12:28 am] |
lame as fuck.
you were supposed to be off work an hour ago.
i quit.
sweet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|06:11 pm] |
It's been so long since I felt something like that.
Let's count the days til it returns.
I can't keep pretending.
Sex has become a way of forging romance.
Fuck me baby, let's fall in love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|08:04 pm] |
Hey guys!
this is B
Crack is bad!
smoke blunts
I love you 4eva!
♥
Candis |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|11:00 pm] |
http://www.livejournal.com/users/867530_die/75153.html
Sweet. Too bad I didn't have an orgasm when I was 14. Too bad some of you have talked me and hung out with me and acted as though we were friends. So if all of this makes me a thief, then that makes you a backstabber.
I know I didn't steal it so S my D.
Jump me. Beat me up. Ban me from hardcore. Try me. I don't give a fuck.
Edit: Hacking myspace is very childish. Come on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|02:31 am] |
i think this is just about the worst feeling ever....
where are you when i really really need you. honestly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|10:00 pm] |
ALL I WANT:
"We talked about everything and nothing, I don't even know, about how much we missed each other. Even though it was exciting and fun, it was a relief. We were both just relieved to be together again.... I slept maybe twenty minutes last night but I've never felt this good, ever." |
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